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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I have just returned to Israel more tired than I can remember in a long time.  Due to Ms. Irene, the hurricane, not me, my flights were all canceled.  No, I was not stranded in paradise.  I was stranded in Chicago.  Three days were spent in alternating phases of work-absence-anxiety-and-catch-up AND having a lovely time seeing friends with whom I didn’t otherwise have time to spend.  Now home.  To a scary and very exciting month of work.  I took a moment today to look up some favorite poems.  Calm before the storm.

For Laughs:

You’ll Drink Your Orange Juice and Like It, Comrade

By Ogden Nash
There’s a Cyprus citrus surplus
Citrus surplus Cypriotic.
No Sicilian citrus surplus
But a Cyprus citrus surplus
Not a Cyprus citron surplus
But a Cyprus citrus surplus
Not a Cyprus citrus circus
But a Cyprus citrus surplus.
It’s a special citrus surplus
“Just a surface citrus surfeit,”
Says a cryptic Coptic skeptic.
But the bishop in his surplice
Certifies the surfeit citrus –
In his surplus Sunday surplice
Certifies the cirtus surfeit
Who’ll assimilate the surplus
Siphon off the Cyprus citrus?
Sipping at the citrus cistern
Who’ll suppress the Cyprus surplus?
Says the Soviet to Cyprus,
“Send us all your surplus citrus;
This is just a simple sample
Of Socialist assistance.
Should you show a similar surplus
In the simmering summer solstice
Send a summons to the Soviet
For surplus citrus solace.

Now on Cyprus they’re all reading
Victory by Joseph Comrade.

One of my all time favorites is “Lanyard” by Billy Collins

A fantastic montage made to the recording of “Man in Space,” by Billy Collins

 

On a more tender note:
The following poem is by A.E. Housman, a fascinating person – revered classics scholar and popular poet. A dear friend once inscribed a book to me with this poem, and I’ve never forgotten it.

It is no gift I tender,
A loan is all I can;
But do not scorn the lender;
Man gets no more from man.

Oh, mortal man may borrow
What mortal man can lend;
And ’twill not end to-morrow,
Though sure enough ’twill end.

If death and time are stronger,
A love may yet be strong;
The world will last for longer,
But this will last for long.

Alas, I really have to go to bed. 2 am. Jet lag has to be beaten somehow. And so I bid you adieu with these words of Robert Frost‘s:

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

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Just Because I Like Them.  Enjoy.

From Tom Jones.  Who knew Albert Finney was so amazingly beautiful in the early 60’s?  Incredible actor.

One of the finest scenes from Tampopo – a stunning, poignant, and hilarious Japanese film all about food — and the society that surrounds it.

Seems a more than a bit kitschy now, but Like Water For Chocolate was one of the hottest movies we ever got to watch in high school.

A thoroughly bizarre film, Beetlejuice scared the crap out of me – and though I did enjoy watching it – I think I would close my eyes or run out of the room during certain bits.  This was certainly one of them.  Even though I knew it was coming.

Yes, it’s dubbed in French (gotta love the French and their inability/unwillingness to accept subtitles – kidding – kind of…), but this is the only video I could find online of this scene.  I won’t write the title for fear it will be taken down.  But you gotta love: “Oh, dessert! Cerveau de singe au sorbet!”  My friends and I would watch this scene over and over again.  That and the scene where the guy takes the other guy’s heart out, still beating.

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If I can muster the energy and discipline, I’m thinking of doing a weekly wine-oriented post. As I’ve been living and breathing nothing but wine, mostly trying to absorb as much knowledge on Bourgognes as fast as possible, I feel like I’m bursting. So without further ado:

Fun things I’ve learned:

  • Bourgogne wine families are, for lack of a better term, incestuous.  You know, like, this famous vinter’s daughter married this other guy from down the road who was an international playboy until his dad died and he had to take over the business who now makes world-class wine, and his sister-in-law’s cousin is the owner of the finest plot of grand cru in Beaune…. And on and on.  Hearing the stories is like watching an episode of 90210.
  • I would really, really, really like the opportunity to try a DRC.  Enough said.
  • I need to give Italian wines more of a chance.  Chianti be damned!  You give Italy a bad name.  No, no, I’m being too harsh.  Still…

Things you should read ASAP because it’s good and informative and entertaining:

Interesting tidbits either said to me or  overheard during a wine tasting I worked last week:

  • You didn’t succeed… (whispered a little old man to me with an evil wink in his eye as he walked out of the shop, not having purchased anything.  This after he told me he doesn’t drink anything but kiddush wine.  Yeah, I want your business, buster.)
  • You succeeded there… (posh middle-aged woman said to attractive 30-something man referring to his 4 year old son.)
  • People without money don’t like good wines… (said a really arrogant 40-something guy buying crap severely-overpriced Spanish Crianza with a fancy gold label.  You tell ’em.)

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Georges Brassens

I’ve not been able to write, and I’m still so stressed, I don’t really know how I manage to stay upright (most of the time).  But as I’ve been getting some adamant requests for more posts, I’ve decided to share some easy favorites of mine.  Videos, links, juicy awesome things to laugh and revel over.  Enjoy this video.  Yes, it’s in French, but the translation is below (it’s line by line so you can follow along), and it came from this truly unique Brassens in translation website.  The singer is the unbelievably beautiful and somewhat talented Carla Bruni, former model, now the first lady of France.  All you really need to know is that this song is by the legendary Georges Brassens, it’s considered so lewd it was banned (and is still banned) from the radio, and the verb “bander” means “to have or to get an erection.”  If you know any French at all, do not use this word in conversation.  It’s very vulgar.  Of course, it also means “to bandage,” so, you know, unless you’re a nurse or something, be careful.

Fernande
Une manie de vieux garçon,
Strange habit of an old bachelor
Moi, j’ai pris l’habitude
I have got into the way
D’agrémenter ma solitude
Of spicing up my loneliness
Aux accents de cette chanson:
With the accents of this song

Quand je pense à Fernande
When I think of Fernande
Je bande, je bande,
It’s so hard, It’s so hard,
Quand j’ pense à Félicie
When I think of Félicie
Je bande aussi,
It’s hard as well,
Quand j’ pense à Léonore,
When I think of Léonora
Mon Dieu, je bande encore
Good Lord, it’s hard once more
Mais quand j’ pense à Lulu,
But when I think of Lulu
Là, je ne bande plus.
There, it is hard no more
La bandaison, papa,
An erection papa,
Ça n’ se commande pas.
Decides things for itself.

C’est cette mâle ritournelle,
It is this popular male refrain
Cette antienne virile,
This long-time virile chant
Qui retentit dans la guérite
Which rings out from the sentry box
De la vaillante sentinelle:
Of the valiant guard on sentry duty

Quand je pense à Fernande
When I think of Fernande
Je bande, je bande,
It’s so hard, It’s so hard,
Quand j’ pense à Félicie
When I think of Félicie
Je bande aussi,
It’s hard as well,
Quand j’ pense à Léonore,
When I think of Léonora
Mon Dieu, je bande encore
Good Lord, it’s hard once more
Mais quand j’ pense à Lulu,
But when I think of Lulu
Là, je ne bande plus.
There, it is hard no more
La bandaison, papa,
An erection papa,
Ça n’ se commande pas.
Decides things for itself.

Afin de tromper son cafard,
In order to beat his boredom
De voir la vie moins terne,
To see his life less gloomily
Tout en veillant sur sa lanterne,
While tending to his lamp
Chante ainsi le gardien de phare:
The lighthousekeeper sings out like this.

Quand je pense à Fernande
When I think of Fernande
Je bande, je bande,
It’s so hard, It’s so hard,
Quand j’ pense à Félicie
When I think of Félicie
Je bande aussi,
It’s hard as well,
Quand j’ pense à Léonore,
When I think of Léonora
Mon Dieu, je bande encore
Good Lord, it’s hard once more
Mais quand j’ pense à Lulu,
But when I think of Lulu
Là, je ne bande plus.
There, it is hard no more
La bandaison, papa,
An erection papa,
Ça n’ se commande pas.
Decides things for itself.

Après la prière du soir,
After evening prayers
Comme il est un peu triste,
As he is a little sad
Chante ainsi le séminariste
The trainee priest sings out like this
À genoux sur son reposoir:
Kneeling at his altar

Quand je pense à Fernande
When I think of Fernande
Je bande, je bande,
It’s so hard, It’s so hard,
Quand j’ pense à Félicie
When I think of Félicie
Je bande aussi,
It’s hard as well,
Quand j’ pense à Léonore,
When I think of Léonora
Mon Dieu, je bande encore
Good Lord, it’s hard once more
Mais quand j’ pense à Lulu,
But when I think of Lulu
Là, je ne bande plus.
There, it is hard no more
La bandaison, papa,
An erection papa,
Ça n’ se commande pas.
Decides things for itself.

À l’Étoile où j’étais venu
On the Place de l’Étoile where I had come to
Pour ranimer la flamme,
In order to revive the flame
J’entendis ému jusqu’aux larmes
I heard moved to tears
La voix du Soldat Inconnu:
The voice of the unknown soldier :

Quand je pense à Fernande
When I think of Fernande
Je bande, je bande,
It’s so hard, It’s so hard,
Quand j’ pense à Félicie
When I think of Félicie
Je bande aussi,
It’s hard as well,
Quand j’ pense à Léonore,
When I think of Léonora
Mon Dieu, je bande encore
Good Lord, it’s hard once more
Mais quand j’ pense à Lulu,
But when I think of Lulu
Là, je ne bande plus.
There, it is hard no more
La bandaison, papa,
An erection papa,
Ça n’ se commande pas.
Decides things for itself.

Et je vais mettre un point final
And I am going to bring to an end
À ce chant salutaire,
This salutary song
En suggérant aux solitaires
By suggesting to lonely people
D’en faire un hymne national.
To turn it into a national anthem

Quand je pense à Fernande
When I think of Fernande
Je bande, je bande,
It’s so hard, It’s so hard,
Quand j’ pense à Félicie
When I think of Félicie
Je bande aussi,
It’s hard as well,
Quand j’ pense à Léonore,
When I think of Léonora
Mon Dieu, je bande encore
Good Lord, it’s hard once more
Mais quand j’ pense à Lulu,
But when I think of Lulu
Là, je ne bande plus.
There, it is hard no more
La bandaison, papa,
An erection papa,
Ça n’ se commande pas.
Decides things for itself.

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Neil Gaiman's Xmas by 39 Degrees North

Merry Christmas to those who are celebrating! And a very Happy Weekend to the rest!  Despite being Jewish, I miss Christmas, and being in Israel, I feel unashamed at saying so. It’s like I don’t have to be vigilant in guarding my religious traditions by not celebrating others’. I made egg nog, and I found Christmas carols (love the #christmas tag-tuner), and we hung some fairy lights, and we ate a Bouche de Noel (French Yule Log Cake) and a Galette des Rois (Cake of the Kings – another French tradition).

AND these videos were the life of the party and made my week that much easier.  I think they capture the spirit.  If you have a few minutes, they’re intriguing or inspiring or hilarious.  Enjoy!

Neil Gaiman Christmas poem.  WOW:

Trouble with your Blackberry?

Yoga has been so underrepresented on Broadway:

PINA BAUSCH and WIM WENDERS (http://vimeo.com/17772908).  I cannot wait to see this:

Lovely:

Nursing home talent contest.  Hilarious!

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Just a quicky – I’m in the “final” stages of my personal statement for grad school.  But I have seen some joyous hilarious videos lately, and I wanted to share!  Happy weekend!

Ah… memories of summer on this cold winter night from the lovely awesome people at Improv Everywhere:

This is old, but I only saw it recently. Enjoy David Beckham playing a prank on the Ellen Show:

Finally, another great product we all need.  Treat your breasts!  A brilliant stocking stuffer! Wink, wink…

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Really nice shoes. I did.

I haven’t been blogging for a while, and the longer I don’t, the harder it is to go back.  And I’ve had so many ideas, and such an interesting couple of weeks.  Seriously, it kills me, and I don’t know where to start writing.

But the situation itself (the not writing) is reflective of the current state of my life.  Not that I’ve not been busy (went to a tweet-up, went out on a date, and worked the incredible IsraWinExpo).  But the internal drive and state aren’t so healthy.  I’m feeling pretty apathetic, a bit behind on work, my laundry situation is dire, the dishes and leftover food situation were physically nauseating, and my linens were seriously, seriously needing a wash.

So, in short, last night I had an “insightful” evening — had a moment of clarity and took a honest look at my life. I’ll spare you the details for the moment. But this morning, this Saturday morning, I got out of bed, and I immediately put on trousers, a bra and shirt, and finally shoes.  Shoes.

Whether barefoot, in socks, in slippers, or even in Uggs, I find I’m not really awake and rearing to go in a serious, “I am going to work, make money, do my chores, call my friends, and generally be productive and feel good,” without shoes.  Fully dressed, yet still in slippers, I might as well have stayed in pajamas. Although it be possible to get work done in this condition, I do it as grudgingly, as a schlub.  Nobody likes to feel like a schlub.

Today, I did the dishes, all of the dishes.  Emptied and scrubbed the “kolboinik,” (it’s a sink-trash – no disposals in Israel), and bleached the hell out of the sink and surrounding areas.  It took more than 2 hours.  I planned on stopping.  I wanted to go to a favorite cafe and work and write and be  a Tel Aviv “participant.” But as soon as I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, I had the urge to scrub a bit more.

So, when in doubt, when feeling a bit of despair, hopelessness, or if you’ve hit an itching dry procrastinating spell – put on your shoes.  Some powerful shoes.

I’m in boots, thick high-heeled black leather boots.  Imagine standing in those for two hours in front of a nasty dripping sink.  Got through it though, didn’t I?

Here are some photos from the past weeks that I’d like to share.  I’ll get to describing some of the fantastic events I’ve been to shortly.  I promise.  Enjoy!

My Clean Dishes!

Ahmadinijad in drag - lovely figure don't you think?

Edible Elmo & Cookie Monster - cupcakes are chic in Tel Aviv

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