I just ate the most delicious omelet sandwich at Dizi. Fluffy eggs cooked with fresh chive, mayonnaise, tomato, and lettuce on a toasted sesame kaiser roll. So delicious that it was gone in under 2 minutes, I mean it. And it wasn’t small. This is all that’s left, and I’m taking my time in finishing the veg.
I desperately needed this comfort food, and a big breakfast was in order. I need to get this off my chest, and I figure, soon enough I’d be telling the world anyway. I’m applying to doctoral programs. Maybe I already mentioned this on the blog, but I’m not sure. Due to intense, paralyzing fear, I have begun and abandoned this process about 3 times before within the last 6 years. However, the fact of the matter is, I belong in academia, and there is no way around it. I have amazing skills which I apply to many different fields, but eventually, I fall into pits, despondency, melancholy, depression. Yet, I read. I read a lot. I research a lot. I write a blog in large part to simply spit out my thoughts to anyone who would want to listen. Being able to contribute to a genuine conversation is such a strong desire of mine, my skin is crawling, I physically crave it
So what has the problem been? My self-esteem regarding my academic merits is in the crapper. I am so scared of failing to get into a program that I cannot act. I have convinced myself that no professor will remember me, that nobody will want to stand up and speak for me. I’m scared that those who have in the past will be annoyed that I’m asking once again, like the boy who cried wolf. I’m scared that I won’t be able to adequately communicate what I want to study (because I’m often not certain myself), and I’m scared that whether I do or not, the powers that be will decide it isn’t a subject worthy of attention (Science Fiction), OR, that it’s been studied to death and I just don’t know it. Rendering me stupid, useless, and a failure all around.
The thing is, I always got wonderful grades. I loved being in class, and I know that my professors valued my participation. I’m a member of Phi Beta Kappa for god’s sake. But when I look at programs where 100 people apply, and 5 people get in, why would I be a good candidate? Despite a 2-year MFA (a practical course, not a research course), and starting an MA program 5 months ago, I have been out of it for almost a decade. What are they going to think about that? What the hell am I doing even trying? Then I look at my transcripts (I dug them out yesterday), and I’m blown away at the person I once was. She was a stellar student. Stellar. There is no other word for it. I graduated with a 3.8 and a 3.9 in my major from the University of Chicago, an institution to which as an alumna I have been devoted in my participation and fundraising. Would that they take me back…
All I’m saying is that, hard as it may be to ask, I need my friends these days. Deadlines are looming, and as usual, I have procrastinated myself into a panic.
Better get going with my salad. Vitamins are important. Gotta order a coffee, too. Caffeine is certainly in order. Have a good week, everyone.
Go for it.
You are most like your Mom among your siblings, interested in many fields and people. I am confident that you like her can light up the creative and often hidden talents of those you teach and touch.
We all need people like you to help us find the beauty in every day things..
The three of you are the greatest gifts that Netiva and Joel have given to us. You will be a great and natural teacher.
Steve
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, Steve.
are you kidding? You are smart, eloquent and more qualified than Many people doing their doctorates. It is only a title, you are already doing research on your own. Also there are plenty of arrogant people around who will have you think that their degree makes them so much more superior. So go for it.
Go for it girl! Don’t let your fears hinder you.Good luck and hugs!
Thanks, Yael.
Welcome to the club Irene:)
It took me 20 years to get my doctorate in part because I was busy raising my daughters and working full time but also in part because I lacked confidence. I thought How could I get a doctorate? I posed my own hurdles on the way.
Luckily my thesis advisor reminded me I was always best in my classes and he has no doubt I deserve one, only if I could get on with it:)
I think what finally did it was the shame I thought I would feel not getting one after all the years I’ve been telling people I was getting one.
So you did a smart thing by declaring it to the world:) now you cannot shame yourself and not get it:) I wish you to get it in less than 20 years. Don’t worry about changing topics midway. Even if you can’t use it in the real world you will have a Dr. in front of tour name to remind you how smart you are. And academia will be lucky to get you on the staff somewhere:) btw your mfa can get you a job as a prof ready:)
Every person I’ve ever known who’s gone through the PhD application process has felt the exact same way. You are not alone. Just do your best, apply to as many places as possible (and suitable for your wants), and you’ll get in somewhere, sometime. Sometimes it doesn’t click the first round, but that doesn’t mean anything except that you haven’t found your match yet. Mike applied to UIowa three times and only got in the third time, for example. And you probably know Rocky’s story! It’s all about the fit between you and the school/a professor whose turn it is to get a grad student, and you can’t control that. Just do your best. You will wind up someplace great.