I just ate the most delicious omelet sandwich at Dizi. Fluffy eggs cooked with fresh chive, mayonnaise, tomato, and lettuce on a toasted sesame kaiser roll. So delicious that it was gone in under 2 minutes, I mean it. And it wasn’t small. This is all that’s left, and I’m taking my time in finishing the veg.
I desperately needed this comfort food, and a big breakfast was in order. I need to get this off my chest, and I figure, soon enough I’d be telling the world anyway. I’m applying to doctoral programs. Maybe I already mentioned this on the blog, but I’m not sure. Due to intense, paralyzing fear, I have begun and abandoned this process about 3 times before within the last 6 years. However, the fact of the matter is, I belong in academia, and there is no way around it. I have amazing skills which I apply to many different fields, but eventually, I fall into pits, despondency, melancholy, depression. Yet, I read. I read a lot. I research a lot. I write a blog in large part to simply spit out my thoughts to anyone who would want to listen. Being able to contribute to a genuine conversation is such a strong desire of mine, my skin is crawling, I physically crave it
So what has the problem been? My self-esteem regarding my academic merits is in the crapper. I am so scared of failing to get into a program that I cannot act. I have convinced myself that no professor will remember me, that nobody will want to stand up and speak for me. I’m scared that those who have in the past will be annoyed that I’m asking once again, like the boy who cried wolf. I’m scared that I won’t be able to adequately communicate what I want to study (because I’m often not certain myself), and I’m scared that whether I do or not, the powers that be will decide it isn’t a subject worthy of attention (Science Fiction), OR, that it’s been studied to death and I just don’t know it. Rendering me stupid, useless, and a failure all around.
The thing is, I always got wonderful grades. I loved being in class, and I know that my professors valued my participation. I’m a member of Phi Beta Kappa for god’s sake. But when I look at programs where 100 people apply, and 5 people get in, why would I be a good candidate? Despite a 2-year MFA (a practical course, not a research course), and starting an MA program 5 months ago, I have been out of it for almost a decade. What are they going to think about that? What the hell am I doing even trying? Then I look at my transcripts (I dug them out yesterday), and I’m blown away at the person I once was. She was a stellar student. Stellar. There is no other word for it. I graduated with a 3.8 and a 3.9 in my major from the University of Chicago, an institution to which as an alumna I have been devoted in my participation and fundraising. Would that they take me back…
All I’m saying is that, hard as it may be to ask, I need my friends these days. Deadlines are looming, and as usual, I have procrastinated myself into a panic.
Better get going with my salad. Vitamins are important. Gotta order a coffee, too. Caffeine is certainly in order. Have a good week, everyone.