I’m heading off to a Vipassana retreat, and I won’t be able to make phone calls, check email, write, read, or otherwise speak for a week. And I am so thrilled! The problem is in the leaving. I’m trying to finish off a big work project (procrastinating until the final second), and clean the house, and be kind to my pets (as I’m leaving them alone for almost two days until my sister flies home). Money. Do you remember the days of not having to worry about it? And why did that thought come out? Probably because September is a slow moneymaking month (holidays), I’m owed some money, and I’m taking a whole week off that I could be working, thus making September less painful. And as I’m an independent, the amount I make every month varies. Oh goodness. I just hope I can unwind quickly enough. At moments like these I’m embarrassed for myself, as I don’t feel like a self-sufficient productive member of society. Who are you and what good are your degrees and diplomas and accomplishments if you worry like mad about bills? And yet, I’m going to Vipassana. Buddhist teachings have changed my life, but it is so much harder to release and let go than one could possibly imagine. How do you live every day, consciously, with insight, with grace, kindness, and compassion…and work like a maniac, plan for the future, wash the dishes, date, write, go to school, work, meditate, work, meditate, cook, work, etc, etc, etc? This is why retreats exist. To get away. Refresh. Relax. Focus. Gear up to go back.
OK. So back to work. To procrastinating. To cooking up yet more of the greens in my fridge (yes, I have succeeded in eating nothing but greens and tahini and a few nuts for 4 days now). To packing. To not being in the moment so that tomorrow I will receive an even bigger shock when I get to meditate 24/7. Yippee!
A wonderful Sukkot holiday to all!